I have an unnatural fear of pregnant women. Well, to be clear, it's less of a fear and more of a heightened sense of trepidation. And it only involves trains- that's what makes it unnatural, I guess. To be completely specific: I only have a heightened sense of trepidation regarding pregnant women as it pertains to the amount of available seating on a subway car.
Clear yet? No? Ok, how about this: I really dislike it when I have a seat on a crowded subway train and a pregnant lady gets on. I dislike it so much, that every time I'm sitting on a crowded train, I break out into a heavy sweat and vomit as we approach a station due to the crushing anxiety I experience at the prospect of a woman-with-child boarding my car. Alright, it's actually not that extreme, but the sentiment still stands, and the reasons as to why I feel this way boil down to this:
Pregnant women should ALWAYS have a seat on any form of public transportation. Always. Without exception. Unless there's a scenario where a train or bus has more pregnant women than seats (like, you know, when they all get out of the national pregnant ladies who dont have cars convention), there is no reason for an able bodied person not to offer their seat to a pregnant woman. Well, one could probably find a reason for anything, but as a general rule of thumb, pregnant women should always be able to find a seat on any form of public transportation. I could get into the logistics of that thought, but I'm sure you can figure out the thinking behind that one. No holier-than-thou nonsense, just common sense sprinkled in with some common courtesy.
So back to my fears.
For some background on the situation, I've lived in New York my entire life, having spent the majority of the past 5+ years in Manhattan, so I spend my fair share of time on public transportation. In that share of time, I've come to realize what anybody realizes after 20 seconds on a rush hour train: seats are like gold. The difference between having a seat and standing on a crowded train is equivalent to the difference between running a marathon and driving 26.3 miles in a limo, except people actually choose to run marathons and nobody ever chooses to stand on the train. The competition for open seats can be fierce, with small Asian women often trying to torpedo their way into open spots, and older hispanic and black women giving off heat-vision-like stink eyes in an effort to shame any younger patrons into veering away from possible butt receptacles. There's sometimes the random sympathetic figure such as the shopper who definitely wishes they still had a shopping cart, the overworked mother/parents with all of their small children in full force, or the kindly old lady/gentleman who looks like they might tip over if the train moves before they're expecting it to. The situation can be further exacerbated by the presence of homeless people sleeping in the corner seats, and just how large their smell (and/or crazy) radius is, but for the most part those are the biggest hindrances to finding a comfortable-ish seat on a train. I used to succumb to them all, being the model citizen that I am, but in being the actual person that I am, there are times when I become impervious to all open seat blocks. I box out the small Asian women, I ignore the stink eye (or shoot one right back), I assure the old folks that I'll (try to) catch them if they fall, I tell the shoppers that they should've used their money on a cab, and I let the small children platoons know that this is only the beginning of a long life of standing on trains. I'll even sit next to a smelly homeless person and engage with them in conversations if need be. If I'm really in a mood to sit, nothing can stop me... except ...for... a pregnant woman, and if you need a reason, see the preceding paragraph.
All that being said, it's not often that I go into sit-or-die mode. It usually takes a combination of being dehydrated, exhausted, and in some amount of physical pain- making me something of a sympathetic figure in my own right, for me to decide that finding a place to sit takes precedence over all social protocol. On these rare occurrences though, the same sequence always seems to take place. I'll find a seat among a sea of sympathetic figures and old stink-eyeing women, and be at peace. But then, after one or two stops, the train will approach a station and I'll see her- the bane of my existence- the pregnant woman standing in front of the door closest to my seat. She'll board and look around, and of course me, the least obviously sympathetic figure who had just denied other sympathetic figures access to a resting spot, will be the only suitable candidate to give up their seat. So I'll get up and stand, in agony, while the rest of the train relishes the fact that I've finally received my comeuppance, while they all proceed to take the train to or past my stop, ensuring that I can never even contemplate sitting anywhere but the floor, because that's how life always works, without exception.
I have a recurring nightmare where I've just finished playing 5 hours of a sport that combines basketball and MMA fighting (I call it fightsketball) without water breaks, on cement, in shoes that offer no arch support (which is a major issue for someone with flat feet). I'm not visibly injured, but I've definitely been pushed to my limit, and am extremely relieved to get on an empty subway car. I get on, sit for two stops, then it happens. I see a sign that reads "New York Welcomes the Annual Old Pregnant Train Enthusiast Convention" and the train pulls into a station filled with old pregnant women armed with the meanest stink-eyes this side of the Mississippi. They all get on. They all look at me. I shed a tear and stand up. They all sit. There's a crazy homeless man in a corner seat making his best effort to cover the floor of the train in his urine. The train moves. The train stops between stations. We spend the rest of eternity stopped there "due to train traffic in front of us".
This situation is very possible in New York City. This is a very real fear. They don't know where I live, but they know when and where I have to take the train to. They coordinate amongst themselves. They're after me. I swear it.
But besides all that, this is the first post I've written on my fancy new iPad, so forgive me if there are more errors than usual (which is zero).
Or don't.
C
